You know how people have certain types of days, like fat days, skinny days, pretty days, ugly days, bad hair days, good hair days, good days, bad days, happy days, sad days, etc. etc.?

Today I am having a defeated day.


They say that "what goes up must come down." Maybe this is what I get for the excited exhilaration I have experienced over the past couple weeks at the ways I have decided to change my life. Maybe it's because I am finally winding down a bit and understanding more of where I'm going and what I'm doing.

Maybe it's because I feel let down...

"Spinning wheel, go round and round..."

::Poke! Poke!::

I love roller coasters. They are fun and challenging and exciting and scary as all shit. So I should love my life. And I do, mostly.


There it is again! That nagging poke at the back of my head, saying, "Hey! Are you sure about this? Don't eff it up!"

This voice sounds oddly like my parents.

Right now where I could really use the loving support of my family. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see the kind of person I am becoming and how hard I am working and to be there when I need to talk about the hard times. I want to be there for them.


But I can't carry this weight anymore.

Tomorrow, I move into my first apartment. It will be a long moving process, without aid from my parents or sister. Luckily for me, I have friends who are willing to help out- a family I have been gathering over the years.

After a day of heavy lifting, one would expect that I will be tired and sore, but I expect quite the opposite. Tomorrow represents a bigger metaphor for me. I will be lifting the immensely pudgy pest of a tot off my shoulders and setting him down in my old LI bedroom, where he belongs. Sometimes, when I visit home, I will pick him back up and we will play the old games for a bit.

Sometimes, I will miss him.

::Poke! Poke!::

But mostly, I hope to be free...


  1. I'm sure your family is proud of you. They may not express it the way you'd want them to, but you always have the love and support of your family and friends.

    Never let yourself feel you've let yourself down or others down. You are a strong and confident woman, and that's what I love about you. Your choice to move into a place of your own is a major life changing decision, and there'll be pleanty more decisions like that even more intense than that. With the support of your family, friends and God, you'll be just fine.

    By the way, if I wasn't working tomorrow, I would have liked to help you move. Hopefully one of these days you can give me a tour.

  2. Hey thanks, Ken! Your words are very kind. I had some helpers yesterday so I got everything into the apartment okay, it's just a mess because it will take awhile to get situated! I'm sure we can work out catching up soon. Let me know if you are ever in the Astoria area!