OH MY GOSH!!!

Hey guys!!! I've just had the best brainwave EVER!!!

I've come up with a totally great way to get FREE BASEBALL MERCHANDISE!!!

Okay, okay, okay... so listen up...

oooo it's just SO GOOD!

So first, we gotta make a baby. Not just any baby, but something really cute looking, preferably female. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against ugly babies, but let's be real here, ugly babies aren't cut out for The Television. Plus, who wants an ugly baby?

Next, spend the first three years of said baby's life instilling the religion of baseball into the child. Baby's first words? "Walk-off home run." Baby's first trip? Cooperstown, NY. Baby's first trip to the hospital? Hit in the head with a wiffle ball because Baby was watching butterflies instead of paying attention during Baby's first game of catch.

Now we're cooking right along...

Ok, so, sometimes, in order to get free stuff, you gotta spend some money. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but hear me out...

Now that Baby has reached her third year, training is almost complete. The next step is to buy you and baby some sweet tickets to the ::Insert favorite baseball team here:: game. Maybe something right on the foul line. That should do you right. Once you have done this, your journey is almost complete.

Next, get to a store, and buy you and Baby matching baseball caps featuring ::Insert favorite baseball team here::'s logo. You might want to buy yourself ::Favorite baseball team::'s jersey, too, and perhaps a supportive Koozie (c) to show how dedicated you are to your team.

Continue playing catch with Baby, making sure to tell her to ALWAYS throw the ball back. This is the most important step- Baby must ALWAYS throw the ball back. It is imperative to the success of this mission.

Your training is now complete. Baby is ready for the big day, the moment you've been waiting for... Baby's first baseball game.

You get to your seats and sit back, waiting for the right opportunity to arise. (Blogger's Note: I will sit on the couch at home, proudly watching through The Television as my two stars get to work.)

Then, finally, it happens... Foul ball, hit right into your outstretched hands! You stand, decked out in your baseball gear, waving your arms and fist bumping your neighbors, looking ecstatic. You turn to Baby, looking expectantly up at you, waiting to do her part, and you hand her that special ball that will change your lives, a barely noticeable knowing look in your eyes.

Just as she was taught, Baby throws the ball back... onto the field.

You feign a look of shock perfectly, you've been practicing in the mirror for days. People are none the wiser (Blogger's Note: except for me, of course, jumping up and down in the living room, yelling "It worked! It worked!"). Baby turns to you, her hands outstretched, waiting to be rewarded for her part in our plan.

This is the time to throw on the charm. You smile- melting the hearts of even the hardest viewers, and wrap Baby in your arms. (Blogger's Note: At this point, tears are rolling down my cheeks. I've never been more proud.)

LET THE FREE MERCH ROLL IN!

Next thing you know, Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera are banging down our door, asking us to visit them on The Television. Which we do. You tell about how you always wanted to catch a foul ball, but how your love for Baby surpassed it all.

Then, it is over, as we gather up our jerseys and baseballs enclosed in cases complete with signatures, dollar signs in our eyes...

HOW GREAT IT THAT! It's the perfect plan... so simple, so complete...

Wait, what's that?...

It's already been done?...

Damnit...



Are you sure the new health care reform won't cover this situation?