Where did this summer go?
I feel oddly at peace with the ups and downs that have comprised this summer. I took a huge step forward, tripped, and fell back a pace. But in tripping, I learned for the future.
Proactivity doesn't hurt, but the cards will fall where they may. I was making myself crazy over decisions I was forced into making, and it wasn't worth it. Things happen, deal with it. If you want something to work out, make it happen. If you can't make it happen right away, work at it until you can.
Life is about challenges- relationships, monetary, lifestyle, etc. Otherwise, we would be bored.
No matter how hard it may be or how scared you are, don't give up on what you want. Listen to your gut. If you really feel it, don't let it go.
Hello, Autumn... are you ready for me?
8.24.2009
8.05.2009
What Dreams May Come...
Last night, I had another dream...
This one was very realistic; a mish-mosh of what is going on in my life right now.
I dreamt that I got a well-deserved raise.
Now, this could have happened. I have just reached the one year mark at my job. I wear a lot of hats there, and do good work. It felt so right...
...there the check was, floating in space, right in front of my grasp...
So I grabbed it. Then my whole world changed- my hopes, my dreams, all fell away, and that one small raise lead to a life of of compromise, longing, and regret. A life stuck on Long Island, strapped with debt, wasting my artistry, "visiting" the city, staring at what I could have had.
When I woke up, it was all gone.
I realized that my subconscious hates me. Either that, or it is super worried.
Am I wasting an opportunity by moving back home to LI and staying with the "comfortable" job? Should I throw it all away, forget the car, and go for it with everything I've got?
I don't know... I really don't know. I've never felt more frustrated and confused.
New York City is the land of opportunities- the artist capital- the place to discover yourself.
So why do I feel like I'm losing me?
This one was very realistic; a mish-mosh of what is going on in my life right now.
I dreamt that I got a well-deserved raise.
Now, this could have happened. I have just reached the one year mark at my job. I wear a lot of hats there, and do good work. It felt so right...
...there the check was, floating in space, right in front of my grasp...
So I grabbed it. Then my whole world changed- my hopes, my dreams, all fell away, and that one small raise lead to a life of of compromise, longing, and regret. A life stuck on Long Island, strapped with debt, wasting my artistry, "visiting" the city, staring at what I could have had.
When I woke up, it was all gone.
I realized that my subconscious hates me. Either that, or it is super worried.
Am I wasting an opportunity by moving back home to LI and staying with the "comfortable" job? Should I throw it all away, forget the car, and go for it with everything I've got?
I don't know... I really don't know. I've never felt more frustrated and confused.
New York City is the land of opportunities- the artist capital- the place to discover yourself.
So why do I feel like I'm losing me?
8.04.2009
Red's Hard Lemonade...
Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you gotta use those suckas as stress relief and throw 'em as hard as you can at stupid, stupid people...
...and that's just what I've been doing.
Life was moving forward. F A S T...
And then the car accident happened. And then my car was fixed. And then my car was totaled.
And now I have to move back home.
Sure, I went through all the stages... Denial, depression, weight loss in the wallet area. But I came out of this with something invaluable- experience. The short time that I had in my apartment taught me not only about myself, but about the experience of moving out on my own. I feel sad that due to extenuating circumstances, the tenure there was so short, but I am confident that I will get there again.
Not only will I get there, but I will surpass it. I know what I want. I am determined to get it.
Sure life is twisty-turny and likes to get in the way. It happens all the time. The real challenge is in how we deal with it.
I'll admit it. For a hot second, I broke down. But the fire is lit now.
I just hope lemon juice isn't flammable...
The newest contest for me now? How quickly I can turn around and get back to NYC. First stop- employment... wish me luck!
...and that's just what I've been doing.
Life was moving forward. F A S T...
And then the car accident happened. And then my car was fixed. And then my car was totaled.
And now I have to move back home.
Sure, I went through all the stages... Denial, depression, weight loss in the wallet area. But I came out of this with something invaluable- experience. The short time that I had in my apartment taught me not only about myself, but about the experience of moving out on my own. I feel sad that due to extenuating circumstances, the tenure there was so short, but I am confident that I will get there again.
Not only will I get there, but I will surpass it. I know what I want. I am determined to get it.
Sure life is twisty-turny and likes to get in the way. It happens all the time. The real challenge is in how we deal with it.
I'll admit it. For a hot second, I broke down. But the fire is lit now.
I just hope lemon juice isn't flammable...
The newest contest for me now? How quickly I can turn around and get back to NYC. First stop- employment... wish me luck!
7.23.2009
7.21.2009
The Newest Intern at Hogwarts
With the amount of places to go and things to do, one would think that NYC would be a hotbed of jobs.
WRONG!
That's right, my friend, times are tough...
No, I will not get out!
I'm serious. It's all a person can do not to go crazy from the rejection of it all. Just gotta pick yourself back up, dust off, and hit up the nearest bar.
Who cares that my bank account keeps flashing at me -$389.72 -$389.72 -$389.72
And so the drinking problems begin. Well, wait a second, I don't know if I'd call them problems... at least not from the get go. It starts out as a solution, doesn't it?
The other night I saw the new Harry Potter movie (Half Blood Prince, herein referred to as HBP, because I'm lazy.) I'm a huge fan of the books. However, the first five movies fell short for me. I just remember leaving the theater deflated with defeat, and as the next movie approached, the hope would build that THIS one would be the one to change my mind.
They never did.
At least, not until HBP. Maybe it's because I am now studying Visual Effects, and I was 85% impressed with the VFX on this film. Maybe it's because the characters are getting older, and the proper humor and "romance" that offsets the action can finally be infused into the film. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting over the books, and just seeing the movies for what they are.
In any case, after the movie, I went home with a sense of pride in what I hope to eventually do with my life. The artistry AND technicality that goes into these features are a hugely awesome undertaking.
And as I downed my third bottle of a six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale in celebration of my chosen field, the mood slowly started to sour into disgust at the non-success of my job search.
That night, I had a dream. I not only dreamt that I had a job as an artist, but I was filming a documentary called "Life at Hogwarts: The Harry Potter Chronicles." That's right, reader, I was making myself some magic about magic. (Blogger's Note: Don't hate.)
In this dream, Hogwarts really existed. It was a living, breathing castle full of living, breathing witches and wizards. I, myself, had gained the right to hold a wand. It was exhilarating.
I wanted a camera over there- Swish! There it was. I wanted the light to look just right- Swish! I didn't even have to think of how to do it. I felt powerful; in charge! This shot didn't look right... Swish! Insta-onscreen camera move. More action in this shot... Swish! Blowing things up without ever touching a thing.
I made things happen... Swish!... like that...
And then I realized, it wasn't me making things happen. It was my waving, magical wand.
It was too easy. I hadn't accomplished anything.
The fun was gone. It just felt empty.
WRONG!
That's right, my friend, times are tough...
No, I will not get out!
I'm serious. It's all a person can do not to go crazy from the rejection of it all. Just gotta pick yourself back up, dust off, and hit up the nearest bar.
Who cares that my bank account keeps flashing at me -$389.72 -$389.72 -$389.72
And so the drinking problems begin. Well, wait a second, I don't know if I'd call them problems... at least not from the get go. It starts out as a solution, doesn't it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other night I saw the new Harry Potter movie (Half Blood Prince, herein referred to as HBP, because I'm lazy.) I'm a huge fan of the books. However, the first five movies fell short for me. I just remember leaving the theater deflated with defeat, and as the next movie approached, the hope would build that THIS one would be the one to change my mind.
They never did.
At least, not until HBP. Maybe it's because I am now studying Visual Effects, and I was 85% impressed with the VFX on this film. Maybe it's because the characters are getting older, and the proper humor and "romance" that offsets the action can finally be infused into the film. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting over the books, and just seeing the movies for what they are.
In any case, after the movie, I went home with a sense of pride in what I hope to eventually do with my life. The artistry AND technicality that goes into these features are a hugely awesome undertaking.
And as I downed my third bottle of a six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale in celebration of my chosen field, the mood slowly started to sour into disgust at the non-success of my job search.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night, I had a dream. I not only dreamt that I had a job as an artist, but I was filming a documentary called "Life at Hogwarts: The Harry Potter Chronicles." That's right, reader, I was making myself some magic about magic. (Blogger's Note: Don't hate.)
In this dream, Hogwarts really existed. It was a living, breathing castle full of living, breathing witches and wizards. I, myself, had gained the right to hold a wand. It was exhilarating.
I wanted a camera over there- Swish! There it was. I wanted the light to look just right- Swish! I didn't even have to think of how to do it. I felt powerful; in charge! This shot didn't look right... Swish! Insta-onscreen camera move. More action in this shot... Swish! Blowing things up without ever touching a thing.
I made things happen... Swish!... like that...
And then I realized, it wasn't me making things happen. It was my waving, magical wand.
It was too easy. I hadn't accomplished anything.
The fun was gone. It just felt empty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I awoke from that dream sweaty, thirsty, and renewed. That night I realized something important. It is the struggles in life that give us the pride in what we finally accomplish. It is the frustration and anger and drunken, stupid nights that lead to the brilliant victories and all the fun experiences that came with you along the way.
If it all came easy, would we ever really try? Would anyone ever strive for greatness?
Would there even be such a thing... "greatness?"
Sometimes, when I feel really beaten down, I'm sure that I will really miss that wand.
Today, however, I am proud of how I got to where I am, and the journey I plan to take to where I eventually want to go...
...starting with the nearest watering hole... Cheers, reader!
If it all came easy, would we ever really try? Would anyone ever strive for greatness?
Would there even be such a thing... "greatness?"
Sometimes, when I feel really beaten down, I'm sure that I will really miss that wand.
Today, however, I am proud of how I got to where I am, and the journey I plan to take to where I eventually want to go...
...starting with the nearest watering hole... Cheers, reader!
7.13.2009
The Impossible Dream...
I have a job.
I have a job and I get paid steadily, bi-monthly.
I have a job and I get paid steadily, bi-monthly, and I have full medical benefits, dental benefits, and will soon be able to open a 403-b paid by my employer.
I also have talent. That may sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I have artistic talent, I know that I do, because I've been told it a good amount. And everyday that ticks by, I'm wasting it.
I feel like a girl in high school who is trying to determine whether or not to break up with her boyfriend for the new guy, making lists of "pros" and "cons" of each scenario. Debating comfortable versus challenging, safe versus fun. Rolling over and over thoughts of job market instability, bills, savings, information, expenses, health insurance, gas money, (what if I got in an accident?)... the constant crushing of numbers... crushing, crushing, crushing...
Cruuusssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Time to shit or get off the pot. Time to explore my photography more. Time to get my hands on some video and practice what I know from school.
Time to work with the clock, instead of against it.
Who's with me?
I have a job and I get paid steadily, bi-monthly.
I have a job and I get paid steadily, bi-monthly, and I have full medical benefits, dental benefits, and will soon be able to open a 403-b paid by my employer.
I also have talent. That may sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I have artistic talent, I know that I do, because I've been told it a good amount. And everyday that ticks by, I'm wasting it.
I feel like a girl in high school who is trying to determine whether or not to break up with her boyfriend for the new guy, making lists of "pros" and "cons" of each scenario. Debating comfortable versus challenging, safe versus fun. Rolling over and over thoughts of job market instability, bills, savings, information, expenses, health insurance, gas money, (what if I got in an accident?)... the constant crushing of numbers... crushing, crushing, crushing...
Cruuusssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Time to shit or get off the pot. Time to explore my photography more. Time to get my hands on some video and practice what I know from school.
Time to work with the clock, instead of against it.
Who's with me?
7.07.2009
It's Called Blinders, People!
Can someone please explain to me the concept of "rubbernecking"?
Cause I just don't fucking get it.
Let's slow down to stare at someone else's misfortune, and then, hopefully, cause some of our own...
B R I L L I A N T !
Day 3 of commuting... this is gonna be great...
Cause I just don't fucking get it.
Let's slow down to stare at someone else's misfortune, and then, hopefully, cause some of our own...
B R I L L I A N T !
Day 3 of commuting... this is gonna be great...
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