This Just In...

... I miss my magic wand.

The Newest Intern at Hogwarts

With the amount of places to go and things to do, one would think that NYC would be a hotbed of jobs.



WRONG!


That's right, my friend, times are tough...


No, I will not get out!


I'm serious. It's all a person can do not to go crazy from the rejection of it all. Just gotta pick yourself back up, dust off, and hit up the nearest bar.

Who cares that my bank account keeps flashing at me -$389.72 -$389.72 -$389.72

And so the drinking problems begin. Well, wait a second, I don't know if I'd call them problems... at least not from the get go. It starts out as a solution, doesn't it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other night I saw the new Harry Potter movie (Half Blood Prince, herein referred to as HBP, because I'm lazy.) I'm a huge fan of the books. However, the first five movies fell short for me. I just remember leaving the theater deflated with defeat, and as the next movie approached, the hope would build that THIS one would be the one to change my mind.

They never did.

At least, not until HBP. Maybe it's because I am now studying Visual Effects, and I was 85% impressed with the VFX on this film. Maybe it's because the characters are getting older, and the proper humor and "romance" that offsets the action can finally be infused into the film. Maybe it's because I'm finally getting over the books, and just seeing the movies for what they are.

In any case, after the movie, I went home with a sense of pride in what I hope to eventually do with my life. The artistry AND technicality that goes into these features are a hugely awesome undertaking.

And as I downed my third bottle of a six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale in celebration of my chosen field, the mood slowly started to sour into disgust at the non-success of my job search.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night, I had a dream. I not only dreamt that I had a job as an artist, but I was filming a documentary called "Life at Hogwarts: The Harry Potter Chronicles." That's right, reader, I was making myself some magic about magic. (Blogger's Note: Don't hate.)

In this dream, Hogwarts really existed. It was a living, breathing castle full of living, breathing witches and wizards. I, myself, had gained the right to hold a wand. It was exhilarating.

I wanted a camera over there- Swish! There it was. I wanted the light to look just right- Swish! I didn't even have to think of how to do it. I felt powerful; in charge! This shot didn't look right... Swish! Insta-onscreen camera move. More action in this shot... Swish! Blowing things up without ever touching a thing.

I made things happen... Swish!... like that...

And then I realized, it wasn't me making things happen. It was my waving, magical wand.

It was too easy. I hadn't accomplished anything.

The fun was gone. It just felt empty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke from that dream sweaty, thirsty, and renewed. That night I realized something important. It is the struggles in life that give us the pride in what we finally accomplish. It is the frustration and anger and drunken, stupid nights that lead to the brilliant victories and all the fun experiences that came with you along the way.

If it all came easy, would we ever really try? Would anyone ever strive for greatness?

Would there even be such a thing... "greatness?"

Sometimes, when I feel really beaten down, I'm sure that I will really miss that wand.

Today, however, I am proud of how I got to where I am, and the journey I plan to take to where I eventually want to go...



...starting with the nearest watering hole... Cheers, reader!

The Impossible Dream...

I have a job.

I have a job and I get paid steadily, bi-monthly.

I have a job and I get paid steadily, bi-monthly, and I have full medical benefits, dental benefits, and will soon be able to open a 403-b paid by my employer.



I also have talent. That may sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I have artistic talent, I know that I do, because I've been told it a good amount. And everyday that ticks by, I'm wasting it.



I feel like a girl in high school who is trying to determine whether or not to break up with her boyfriend for the new guy, making lists of "pros" and "cons" of each scenario. Debating comfortable versus challenging, safe versus fun. Rolling over and over thoughts of job market instability, bills, savings, information, expenses, health insurance, gas money, (what if I got in an accident?)... the constant crushing of numbers... crushing, crushing, crushing...

Cruuusssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Time to shit or get off the pot. Time to explore my photography more. Time to get my hands on some video and practice what I know from school.

Time to work with the clock, instead of against it.



Who's with me?

It's Called Blinders, People!

Can someone please explain to me the concept of "rubbernecking"?

Cause I just don't fucking get it.

Let's slow down to stare at someone else's misfortune, and then, hopefully, cause some of our own...

B R I L L I A N T !

Day 3 of commuting... this is gonna be great...

Disconnect

You know how people have certain types of days, like fat days, skinny days, pretty days, ugly days, bad hair days, good hair days, good days, bad days, happy days, sad days, etc. etc.?

Today I am having a defeated day.

::Poke!::

They say that "what goes up must come down." Maybe this is what I get for the excited exhilaration I have experienced over the past couple weeks at the ways I have decided to change my life. Maybe it's because I am finally winding down a bit and understanding more of where I'm going and what I'm doing.

Maybe it's because I feel let down...

"Spinning wheel, go round and round..."

::Poke! Poke!::

I love roller coasters. They are fun and challenging and exciting and scary as all shit. So I should love my life. And I do, mostly.

::Poke!::

There it is again! That nagging poke at the back of my head, saying, "Hey! Are you sure about this? Don't eff it up!"

This voice sounds oddly like my parents.

Right now where I could really use the loving support of my family. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see the kind of person I am becoming and how hard I am working and to be there when I need to talk about the hard times. I want to be there for them.

::Poke!::

But I can't carry this weight anymore.

Tomorrow, I move into my first apartment. It will be a long moving process, without aid from my parents or sister. Luckily for me, I have friends who are willing to help out- a family I have been gathering over the years.

After a day of heavy lifting, one would expect that I will be tired and sore, but I expect quite the opposite. Tomorrow represents a bigger metaphor for me. I will be lifting the immensely pudgy pest of a tot off my shoulders and setting him down in my old LI bedroom, where he belongs. Sometimes, when I visit home, I will pick him back up and we will play the old games for a bit.

Sometimes, I will miss him.

::Poke! Poke!::

But mostly, I hope to be free...

A Narcissistic View on Change, Part Duex... (That's Freedom for Dos)

Moving forces out a plethora of emotions. Not only in the fact that it is a frustrating, tiring, sometimes sad, sometimes happy movement from one place to another, but also because of the actual process of packing. In the midst of my packing frenzy, I have unearthed many items which were packed away somewhere in my room and had been long forgotten about.

This only helps to draw out the packing process, as memories flood back and one must take a moment to reflect, which in turn adds to the frustration and worry of not finishing your packing on time.

However, it is necessary to look back on the ridiculousness of our former selves and laugh, cry, and gain closure.

Which is exactly what I did when I found a letter from myself in my "Memory Box" (a device given to me by an ex, a clever idea for a girl with little to no memory capabilities.) This letter was an exercise that my "friends" and I decided to do at the end of of Freshman year of college. We were to write to our future selves, or others who will follow in our footsteps, put the letters in bottles, head to the beach, and toss them out to sea.

We were dreamers... or drunk, I can't remember.

The letter is as follows:

Thursday, May 13, 2004, 11:35 PM

Well, I've just completed my freshman year of college, and I have to say, I learned more in this year than in the rest of my life. And I'm not talking about book smarts. Here are some examples:
Everything happens for a reason. Little moments in time that seem insignificant now may mean the world tomorrow. Remember each and every person you meet. A chance meeting may be your best friend, soul mate, or arch enemy.
The most important lesson in life is just to be. Let life roll- you can't force it to be something it's not.
Learn to let things slide off of your back. It doesn't matter what others think of you - you are all that matters.
Don't try to please others. You'll spend all your time doing things you don't like, and that's dumb.
Sometimes you can have the best time doing nothing.
There is nothing like lying in bed with your love interest/lover/partner in crime, especially when you keep each other up until the sun rises.
When life gets really bad - DON'T DRINK - it's never a good thing. (Author's note: Still don't follow this one... it's a toughy.)
Life gets really rough sometimes. When it seems like it's at its worst, remember, it can only get better.
Sometimes all you need is music- like shouting "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meatloaf out the windows while driving with your closest friends at 2 A.M.
Don't take anything for granted. Take every opportunity you can and run with it, otherwise, you'll regret you didn't.
Every single thing in life is a sexual innuendo.
The best conversations are the ones in which you talk about the deepest topics for hours, fight the entire time, and come to no conclusions.
Nothing is better than cuddling after a long day.
Nothing is better than cuddling on a rainy day.
Nothing is better than cuddling.
Kings can be one of the scariest experiences in life.
It is possible to hate someone and to love them at the same time.
Sometimes it is necessary to act before thinking- experience is the best way to learn.
Love every moment, you can only live this moment once.
All in all- live by this Swedish Proverb:
"Fear less, hope more;
Eat less, chew more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Love more, and all good things will be yours."
Good luck- Lord knows we all need it. Share your experiences with those you love, but let them experience for themselves. Wherever you're at now are the best days of your life- enjoy them.
Always, Stevie

I sat in shock and remembrance as I read through this letter. Shock because I couldn't believe how smart I had been five years ago- how I had had these revelations and then forgotten about them for five years, only to come full circle and finally really understand what they meant and live them out five years later.

It is so weird how our minds work. How we realize things that are good for us, or understand how to live our lives, but sometimes, we are just not ready to follow the right path. The twists and turns we make finding our way shape us into the dented, broken heaps we are- people with character and stories to tell.

I had to share this moment with you, readers. I am in a turning point in my life in many ways, and with that, an emotional mess.

An emotional mess who is getting things done. EFF YEAH!

It feels great to be going forward, one foot in front of the other, but the journey is long and scary and frustrating and difficult.

Very. Difficult.

Sometimes it helps to stop and take a look back at where life has brought me. I only hope that, at 24, I continue to learn and grow and reflect and be able to share my thoughts and experiences with those around me. It is a gift that I hope will never be taken away from me. However, if it is, I will always have that letter to myself dated May 13, 2004, 11:35 P.M.

But really, readers... SPF 30, it's the way to go...

XoXo...

Good morning, my one reader!

I apologize for my last entry, which was totally bogus. Truthful, but bogus. I will try harder next time. Maybe.

I arrived into work this morning and a co-worker had left papers on my desk with a post-it note on top asking me to mail some letters for her. Which is fine, I mean, I don't mind helping out when necessary.

You know what I greatly dislike, though? The letter "x".

See, this is how she signed the post-it:

"Thanx, [insert co-worker's name here]"

WHAT IS THAT?

Who gave the letter "x" the right to take over so many different words? It's like, one day, someone said to himself,

"Hey, Self, I think that letter "x" is lonely. He barely ever gets to come out and play. Let's spread rumors that he's really, really cool and maybe he can take over some more common words and start to feel better about himself."

For real, people? Let's see... there's thanx, xoxo (kisses and hugs, for all of you who live under rocks), xippie (click the link, it makes me too sick to actually write what it is), Spanx (c), AND the ever loving X-mas (how lazy are we, people?!), among many others.

Then we have the words where we felt that the "x" got a little jealous of our favorite letter, "e". Xtreme, xplain, xactly...

Will it vr nd?

So we do all of this to help out little ol' "x", and then wonder why the kiddies can't spell ANYTHING.

Now, if ull xcuse XmeX, my bff .:Steph:.s having a xobile xplosion! im xcessively xcited! ttyl!!!!11!!!1!